Follow by Email

Saturday, February 14, 2015

10 Cars That Won’t Get You a Date This Valentine’s Day


Hummer H3 photo

Chances are, unless you already have a spouse, significant other, a bae, or whatever, you’re going to need all the luck you can find today in order to lock down a date for tonight. It’s Valentine’s Day, people. Unfortunately, if you’re driving any one of these vehicles you probably won’t be getting to second base anytime soon. Or first, for that matter.

That’s why we’re here to provide you with the best consumer advice we can give: 10 cars you should totally avoid if you’re even thinking about getting lucky tonight or ever. Seriously, take our advice. <3

Suzuki X-90

Suzuki X-90 photo

What exactly Suzuki was trying to do with the X-90 is a bit of an enigma. Built on the Sidekick’s platform, it’s sort of an SUV, but it kind of looks like a ripoff of a Civic, it has that super cool T-Top, and it only has two doors and two seats. It looks like you might find an erector set as the frame if you lifted up that weird body. Hard pass.


Aston Martin Cygnet

Aston Martin Cygnet photo

You said, “Can’t wait to see you, I’ll pick you up at 8 in my new Aston Martin!” The person you’re picking up: “Oh damn, am I about to go on a date with a secret agent?” Well, sort of, if you consider an undercover Toyota prancing around dressed up in a British suit an operative.

Fiat Multipla

Fiat Multipla photo

The Multipla looks like a car that Sid from Toy Story would have built on an extremely uncreative Saturday morning. It’s part anteater, part raccoon, and part praying mantis, which, contrary to common belief, is not an attractive combination.

Cadillac Cimarron

Cadillac Cimarron photo

Remember when Cadillacs were for old people (if you’re still in that mindset, move on)? As one of the worst “luxury” cars ever created, the Cimarron helped perpetuate that idea in the early ’80s. Talk about the struggle.

Ford Pinto

Ford Pinto photo

Translated from Portuguese, “pinto” means “pint.” The first thing that comes to mind when thinking of pint is beer. Beer and driving is bad. Therefore, nobody will appreciate being picked up in a car that is related to drinking. Case (pun intended) closed.

Geo Metro

Geo Metro photo

A car that needs no introduction. The Geo Metro puttered onto in 1989 and quickly became the laughing stock of the automotive world. You won’t be getting anywhere fast with 70 horsepower.

Fast and Furious Mods

Fast and Furious Cars photo

I’m a fan of tuner cars, I really am. But there lies a fine line between a well-tuned car, and a Fast and Furious special. Neon, flames, nitrous oxide systems — don’t do this. Don’t do any of this.

Hummer H2

2006 HUMMER H2 photo

Rumor has it GMC might revive a Hummer-like SUV in its lineup. Let’s hope they don’t. Driving one of these things was essentially a babe deflector.

Chevrolet Malibu Maxx

2007 Chevrolet Malibu Maxx SS photo

Why would you even think about buying this, let alone picking up a date in one?

Plymouth Caravelle

Plymouth Caravelle photo

“Hey girl, let me take you for a ride in my fly Plymouth Caravelle,” said no one ever.